Here's a chess puzzle:
White:
Place Pawns on a2 and a3
King on a1
Queen on g3
Knight on b5
Black:
Place Pawns on c7, b7, and a7
King on a8
Rook on h8
You are playing with white, and your goal is to force a checkmate in 4 moves or less. 10 points for the first person to come up with a solution.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Mad Lib Politics
This is a simple excercise to help you determine where you fall on the political spectrum. Simply fill in each blank with one of the two answer choices provided.
I love and accept everyone in the world based upon my deep belief in BLANK #1. By "everyone", I mean everyone except BLANK #2. However, I find secret consolation in the knowledge that they'll get their just desserts when BLANK #3. I have a strong libertarian belief that the government should never interfere with BLANK #4. However, I also strongly believe that the government should control BLANK #5. For fun I like to drive my BLANK #6 to the nearest BLANK #7, where I typically down a few BLANK #8 and drunkenly speculate upon the chances that BLANK #9 will run for president.
BLANK #1
a. the teachings of Christ
b. the liberal philosophy of human worth and equality
BLANK #2
a. non-Christians
b. Christians
BLANK #3
a. the Rapture arrives
b. the ice caps melt and flood their beach-front property
BLANK #4
a. health care and the economy
b. abortion and gay rights
BLANK #5
a. abortion and gay rights
b. health care and the economy
BLANK #6
a. Hummer
b. Prius
BLANK #7
a. NASCAR event
b. showing of Rent
BLANK #8
a. Coors
b. glasses of Pinot Noir
BLANK #9
a. Anne Coulter
b. Angelina Jolie
Results
If you chose mostly A's:
Congratulations! You are a proud Republican, member of the Grand Old Party of Lincoln! You should celebrate this discovery by cranking a country song about the beauty of the outdoors while driving your 11mpg SUV with the AC on full.
If you chose mostly B's:
Congratulations! You are a proud Democrat, member of the party of civil rights! You should celebrate this discovery by complaining about how President Bush has sent millions of jobs overseas while driving your foreign-made car to the store to re-stock on imported fruit and beer.
If you had trouble finding answers that matched your own personal convictions, please listen to 10 straight hours of Rush Limbaugh/Al Franken and try again.
I love and accept everyone in the world based upon my deep belief in BLANK #1. By "everyone", I mean everyone except BLANK #2. However, I find secret consolation in the knowledge that they'll get their just desserts when BLANK #3. I have a strong libertarian belief that the government should never interfere with BLANK #4. However, I also strongly believe that the government should control BLANK #5. For fun I like to drive my BLANK #6 to the nearest BLANK #7, where I typically down a few BLANK #8 and drunkenly speculate upon the chances that BLANK #9 will run for president.
BLANK #1
a. the teachings of Christ
b. the liberal philosophy of human worth and equality
BLANK #2
a. non-Christians
b. Christians
BLANK #3
a. the Rapture arrives
b. the ice caps melt and flood their beach-front property
BLANK #4
a. health care and the economy
b. abortion and gay rights
BLANK #5
a. abortion and gay rights
b. health care and the economy
BLANK #6
a. Hummer
b. Prius
BLANK #7
a. NASCAR event
b. showing of Rent
BLANK #8
a. Coors
b. glasses of Pinot Noir
BLANK #9
a. Anne Coulter
b. Angelina Jolie
Results
If you chose mostly A's:
Congratulations! You are a proud Republican, member of the Grand Old Party of Lincoln! You should celebrate this discovery by cranking a country song about the beauty of the outdoors while driving your 11mpg SUV with the AC on full.
If you chose mostly B's:
Congratulations! You are a proud Democrat, member of the party of civil rights! You should celebrate this discovery by complaining about how President Bush has sent millions of jobs overseas while driving your foreign-made car to the store to re-stock on imported fruit and beer.
If you had trouble finding answers that matched your own personal convictions, please listen to 10 straight hours of Rush Limbaugh/Al Franken and try again.
Swapping screens
The formula
Here is the formula movie studios employ when considering whether or not to make a sequal"
(Cost of making a movie) -(Money that movie makes) = X
If X is positive, make a sequel. Repeat equation until X < 0.
Silver Screen to Soaps
Sooner or later, every studio will have found several movie series that makes money every time. They will never again make original movies, just pay screenwriters to keep coming up with sequels. Theater will become exactly like television, except the shows will come out bi-annually instead of weekly. You will say to your friends, "Do you guys want to go see Pirates of the Carribean 83 or Shrek 91?" Finally, the studios will just stop numbering the movies all together. Theaters will invest in permanent, unchanging signs.
...And vice versa
Ironically, even as movies are becoming TV shows, TV shows are becoming less stale and predictable. In essence, they are becoming less like TV shows and more like movies. What is behind this sudden transformation? TiVo.
TiVo means that we actually have a choice about what to watch. Television networks assumed for years that people liked melodramatic, formulaic, half-hours of canned laughter, so each one provided three hours of such shows nightly. Their evidence for this assumption: people watch three hours of melodramatic, formulaic, half-hours of canned laughter every night. This circular logic continued for years until finally TiVo came along. Suddenly, we people got to chose what to watch, and, to everyone's surprise, it turned out to be something other than melodramatic, formulaic, half-hours of canned laughter. Almost immediately, people discovered that there were a few good shows out there. These shows became big hits, and the networks suddenly realized there was a market for out there for thoughtful television. As a result, (I would argue) there are more good television shows out there than ever before, and the number continues to grow. It turned out that all that was needed was a little competition to produce a quality product.
Here is the formula movie studios employ when considering whether or not to make a sequal"
(Cost of making a movie) -(Money that movie makes) = X
If X is positive, make a sequel. Repeat equation until X < 0.
Silver Screen to Soaps
Sooner or later, every studio will have found several movie series that makes money every time. They will never again make original movies, just pay screenwriters to keep coming up with sequels. Theater will become exactly like television, except the shows will come out bi-annually instead of weekly. You will say to your friends, "Do you guys want to go see Pirates of the Carribean 83 or Shrek 91?" Finally, the studios will just stop numbering the movies all together. Theaters will invest in permanent, unchanging signs.
...And vice versa
Ironically, even as movies are becoming TV shows, TV shows are becoming less stale and predictable. In essence, they are becoming less like TV shows and more like movies. What is behind this sudden transformation? TiVo.
TiVo means that we actually have a choice about what to watch. Television networks assumed for years that people liked melodramatic, formulaic, half-hours of canned laughter, so each one provided three hours of such shows nightly. Their evidence for this assumption: people watch three hours of melodramatic, formulaic, half-hours of canned laughter every night. This circular logic continued for years until finally TiVo came along. Suddenly, we people got to chose what to watch, and, to everyone's surprise, it turned out to be something other than melodramatic, formulaic, half-hours of canned laughter. Almost immediately, people discovered that there were a few good shows out there. These shows became big hits, and the networks suddenly realized there was a market for out there for thoughtful television. As a result, (I would argue) there are more good television shows out there than ever before, and the number continues to grow. It turned out that all that was needed was a little competition to produce a quality product.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
How to name a fantasy sports team
The value of a good team name
Much of your legitimacy as a fantasy sports athlete is grounded in how clever you team name is. Just consider these two attempts:
Team Name #1: JDubzGangStarz
Team Name #2: The Lee Gwynners
The first example informs the rest of your league that you're knuckle-dragging imbicile who can reasonably be expected to trade away Steve Nash for Gary Payton. Side note: If you receive a lot of these trades, make a quick comparison between your team name and that of the guy offering the trade to determine which of you is the neanderthal.
The second team name inspires impressed nods from your competitors. They silently applaud the clever transformation of "Gwynn", surname of baseball great Tony, into a hominym of "League Winners". Respect--the ultimate goal of all fantasy sports--has been earned.
The three basic naming strategies
To help you name your next fantasy team, here are the three main approaches to finding a succesful team name:
1. Adroit Alliteration/Sublime Rhyme.
Players choosing this approach should aim for a two-word name. The first name should be geographic, perhaps describing your city or college of residence. The second should be your mascot, and should either rhyme of be alliterative with the first name. The wit in the name will hopefully be derived from the creativity with which you come up with a mascot, or ironic juxtaposition. Some examples: The Princeton Paupers, The Mississippi Dirty Hippies, The Pungent Pittsburg Pugilists.
2. Cultural Commentary
Those employing this philosophy of naming a fantasy team should shot for a concise sports/political/pop-culture witicism. Again, irony is a bonus. If your team has a particularly eccentric player, a name invoking his idiosyncrcies will often prove succesful. It should be noted that this type of name is a candidate for a mid-season revision should the reference become dated. Examples: Shaq Fu, Frank's Flip-floppers, An Inconvenient Ruth.
3. Ad Hominem Humor
Managers opting for this naming method should aim to poke some lighthearted fun at a league opponent. An important note: if you're going to dish it out you have to be ready to take it, so save your best and most offensive material for later retaliations. Examples: Eric's Ecofeminists, Tom's Mom's Johns, AMST 101: Homemaking.
Much of your legitimacy as a fantasy sports athlete is grounded in how clever you team name is. Just consider these two attempts:
Team Name #1: JDubzGangStarz
Team Name #2: The Lee Gwynners
The first example informs the rest of your league that you're knuckle-dragging imbicile who can reasonably be expected to trade away Steve Nash for Gary Payton. Side note: If you receive a lot of these trades, make a quick comparison between your team name and that of the guy offering the trade to determine which of you is the neanderthal.
The second team name inspires impressed nods from your competitors. They silently applaud the clever transformation of "Gwynn", surname of baseball great Tony, into a hominym of "League Winners". Respect--the ultimate goal of all fantasy sports--has been earned.
The three basic naming strategies
To help you name your next fantasy team, here are the three main approaches to finding a succesful team name:
1. Adroit Alliteration/Sublime Rhyme.
Players choosing this approach should aim for a two-word name. The first name should be geographic, perhaps describing your city or college of residence. The second should be your mascot, and should either rhyme of be alliterative with the first name. The wit in the name will hopefully be derived from the creativity with which you come up with a mascot, or ironic juxtaposition. Some examples: The Princeton Paupers, The Mississippi Dirty Hippies, The Pungent Pittsburg Pugilists.
2. Cultural Commentary
Those employing this philosophy of naming a fantasy team should shot for a concise sports/political/pop-culture witicism. Again, irony is a bonus. If your team has a particularly eccentric player, a name invoking his idiosyncrcies will often prove succesful. It should be noted that this type of name is a candidate for a mid-season revision should the reference become dated. Examples: Shaq Fu, Frank's Flip-floppers, An Inconvenient Ruth.
3. Ad Hominem Humor
Managers opting for this naming method should aim to poke some lighthearted fun at a league opponent. An important note: if you're going to dish it out you have to be ready to take it, so save your best and most offensive material for later retaliations. Examples: Eric's Ecofeminists, Tom's Mom's Johns, AMST 101: Homemaking.
Monday, February 26, 2007
How not to survive a movie: 2007 edition
According to conventional wisdom, the highest rate of movie mortality occurs among African American horror movie characters. In fact, killing off the black guy has become so universal that it has given rise to a counter-cliched. At this point, you're much safer walking into a rickety abandoned insane asylum if you're an African American character, simply because writers predictably avoid what conventional wisdom says is the predictable ending.
So, in light of this trend we must step back and find a new class of characters with the highest probability of not making it back for the sequel. After extensive research, we have a winner. Without further ado, the 2007 edition Most-likely-to-die superlative goes to:
The protagonist's gangsta friend in any dance movie.
The scenario
Enter the male protagonist and his homey break-dancing their way through life. Miles away, a rich, way-too-old-for-the-part girl sits waiting to have her white bread-world rocked by said protagonist.
The dilemma
How do we get the love interests together and simultaneously create melodramma, conflict, and sympathy for the male protagonist?
The solution
Kill off the homey friend in a gang-killing. This is the only possible way to write the guy and girl together. If there was another way, surely some dance movie screen writer would have thought of it by now. Right?
Incidentally: If you discover that you're in a movie and that your best friend and fellow gansta/rug-cutter is suprisingly clean and good-looking for the ghetto, you should probably be concerned. However, take solace in the fact that the only (if very large) threat to your life is gang violence. You may tease sharks, contract terrible diseases, and make any other traditionally fatal cinema mistake you please. These deaths do not provide enough impetus to get your good-looking friend sufficiently depressed and repentent about his errent ways. But the minute that rusty, ground-hugging Impala rolls around the corner, you might as well accept that plaintive violin eulogies and slow motion convulsing are in your immediate future.
So, in light of this trend we must step back and find a new class of characters with the highest probability of not making it back for the sequel. After extensive research, we have a winner. Without further ado, the 2007 edition Most-likely-to-die superlative goes to:
The protagonist's gangsta friend in any dance movie.
The scenario
Enter the male protagonist and his homey break-dancing their way through life. Miles away, a rich, way-too-old-for-the-part girl sits waiting to have her white bread-world rocked by said protagonist.
The dilemma
How do we get the love interests together and simultaneously create melodramma, conflict, and sympathy for the male protagonist?
The solution
Kill off the homey friend in a gang-killing. This is the only possible way to write the guy and girl together. If there was another way, surely some dance movie screen writer would have thought of it by now. Right?
Incidentally: If you discover that you're in a movie and that your best friend and fellow gansta/rug-cutter is suprisingly clean and good-looking for the ghetto, you should probably be concerned. However, take solace in the fact that the only (if very large) threat to your life is gang violence. You may tease sharks, contract terrible diseases, and make any other traditionally fatal cinema mistake you please. These deaths do not provide enough impetus to get your good-looking friend sufficiently depressed and repentent about his errent ways. But the minute that rusty, ground-hugging Impala rolls around the corner, you might as well accept that plaintive violin eulogies and slow motion convulsing are in your immediate future.
Definitions
Eclexia: a disorder marked by fascination with a wide array of vaired and diveregent information,
or,
Eclexia: the noun-ification of the adjective "eclectic" (and a far better attempt than Webster's "eclecticism", I might add).
In summary: this blog will be all over the place.
I will weigh in on anything that comes to mind, poking my nose where many noses have gone before, beating many a dead horse, mixing more metaphors than previously thought possible.
Expect endless non-sequitors, irrelevant nit-picking, and discussion of the obnoxiously obscure and esoteric.
or,
Eclexia: the noun-ification of the adjective "eclectic" (and a far better attempt than Webster's "eclecticism", I might add).
In summary: this blog will be all over the place.
I will weigh in on anything that comes to mind, poking my nose where many noses have gone before, beating many a dead horse, mixing more metaphors than previously thought possible.
Expect endless non-sequitors, irrelevant nit-picking, and discussion of the obnoxiously obscure and esoteric.
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